Epistle

Cleaning up downstairs

FELIZ NATAL!!

Dear Family,
1 I write unto you an epistle, and I do it with mine own hand, wherefore I know that it is true. I do it for a wise purpose, well, not really; I figure it would enlighten your minds and brighten your countenances.
2 And it came to pass that not much happened this week in the land of office, except for an unbelievably crazy transfer day, a companionship change, a sewage backup and blowout, a day spent cleaning, a crazy Monday; needless to say, it sufficeth me to say that much craziness did go down in our lives this past week.
3 It came to pass that on the morn of transfer day, I did wake myself up to go downstairs, but did find that I was much grieved with sickness to my stomach and such. Wherefore, I did pop two pills and pressed forward, feasting upon Jello and rice. I did go down with Elder Croshaw and did prepare every needful thing for the training of our beloved greenies. It came to pass that they did enjoy much the training which they did receive from the mouths of Elder Wardenburg and me. It was most delightful.
4 But wo unto such that believeth that everything was tudo bem! For lo, I say unto you, President did lay hold upon Elder Barrett and did pronounce a tripla of financial secretaries in the office, consisting of Elder Barrett, Elder Wardenburg, and me. It sufficeth me to say that the other two of whom I have spoken did spend much time throughout transfer day being companions so the other secretaries could drop people off at airports and take care of many other such tasks. It came to pass that Elder Wardenburg needed to get X-Rays that day, so he was dropped off at one of the hospitals, the which I couldn’t find.
5 Nevertheless, the office was out of petty cash, and it was at the end of the month so all the missionaries had already wasted all of their money, so I found it expedient unto me to prepare a petty cash check like a madman, but it came to pass that President was out of the office, so it could not be signed. Needless to say, there was much to be done in the office.
6 It came to pass that I had to take some sisters to President’s house for the night because they did have no beds, and on the way, the police called our phone saying that a dear elder had accidentally brought a knife on the plane and had to go to court the next morning. And the executive secretaries did pick him up from the airport. Everything went fine with that; the knife was too small.
7 The next day, I arose once again, but found myself without strength; wherefore I did sleep like a rock until midday. Nevertheless, there was much to be done, so I sucked it up and went downstairs with Elder Barrett to show him how to do bills and reimbursements. It came to pass that we did not make it to the bank because I had a ridiculous headache and could not drive.
8 And now, I testify unto thee, when thou dost think that everything is A-OK, it probably isn’t. And how is it, you ask, that I know such things? Wherefore, I say unto you, that at approximately 3 PM on Friday, a horrible stench did fill the upstairs of the office. It came to pass that the AP’s, while leaving the office, did find liquid sewage on the floor in our office by the bathroom and all over in the chapel next door. And they did leave it there, not attending to how flipping disgusting it was. Wherefore, Elder Cobb did call a plumber according to the will of Reginaldo Cruz, and they did show up way late. They did show up at about 7 PM, from which they did commence to ask who would end up paying the bill. It came to pass that I did persuade the building manager person that he should pay the hefty bill. Nevertheless, he did murmur and complain much.
9 And it came to pass that the Desentop crew people did inflict the work of death upon the clog, doing so by means of forcing water through the sink and sewer main, and in so doing did blow a giant hole in the exposed sewer pipe located in our basement.
10 And now, it came to pass that while I was going downstairs to make some copies, President did call me asking if there was any leaking in the basement, and I did question him as I found that I could not get to the copier, saying, “PRESIDENT! CAN YOU HEAR THAT?!?!?!” It came to pass that there was A RIVER sewage coming forth from the pipe that it did fill the floor and also a giant garbage can. It was so gross.
11 Nevertheless, in this moment of panic and despair the Moldovian plumber guy did shove a t-shirt wrapped in a plastic sack into the hole, frustrating the flow of the filth.
12 And Edgar, the cleaning guy, did show up about an hour later to help us do the first cleaning. It was disgusting.
13 It sufficeth me to say that things did calm down and everything looked like it would be tudo bem. Nevertheless, I needed to do pay the landlords, so I did stay up with Elder Hobbs doing office work in our financial secretary office, apart from the filth.
14 And it came to pass that we did spend the whole next day washing the carpets over and over and over and over.
15 And we did eat out every day at Colombo because we did have no food and had no time to buy and cook food.
16 Sunday was great. We did have a giant weekly planning session, planning everything we needed to do for the week.
17 Monday had much office work along with district meeting. We had a lesson with a less active member and participated in a family night at Familia Rau.
18 And it came to pass that yesterday was spent driving around like crazy to the bank and to Lisbon to help the Executive Secretaries renew visas. And we also paid all the donos and took a sister missionary to the airport way early, even though she did miss her flight for some reason.
19 And now, I make an end of my words, saying unto all who may read my words: Wo unto such who is not prepared to scrub poop out of the carpet all day! Nevertheless, in the energy of my soul I say unto you, figuratively, work diligently all the days of thy life, scrubbing the poo out of your own garments with the blood of the Lamb, for He doth call you and is mighty to sanitize.
20 And I make an end. I am Elder Christian Lobo.
21 Love.